Once again, the spoon game. Because... well, why not?

This just never gets old for me. It's I guess that's why I'm 35 and still laugh at farts on occasion.

Mark's Mystery Team

What's the deal with Mark not naming starters until the 11th hour? Here's a nickel's worth of free advice: You're playing me. It doesn't matter. My team couldn't beat Notre Dame this year. Spare us the theatrics and name your starters so we can make our picks before kickoff.

The News Week 5

Charlie's Wrath 107.55
The Steel Curtain 88.10

Well, I'm nothing if not consistent. Even when Chuck has an off week, I'll still find a way to lose. I don't know what to say anymore. I saw this loss a mile away. All hope is lost. And no, a miracle trade won't fix anything here. There's just too much wrong here. One for the Icon.

O'Doyle Rules 121.95
Bloomfield Beagle 113.95

Nothing too surprising here. The game ball clearly goes to Ben Watson for his 24.8 point, 107yd 2 TD performance. It's not that Mark played bad, but that Watson played out his ass. No, I wouldn't be so quick to say that Romo pulled a Grossman. He still had 309 yds and 2 TD's despite the 5 int's. That still came out to 22.15 points. Cry me a river. Two for the icon.

Player Haters 82.2
Ground Chuck Zeros 71.7

Even I would have beat Skam this week. That he has lost four in a row amuses me to no end. That I'm the only team he beat is humiliating, but it doesn't say much for Skam. Along with Ortiz, we three have the biggest mouths and the shittiest records, with just two wins in fifteen games. With 75 ypg and just 2 TD's, let's all just admit that Alexander is done. Those 27 TD's in 2005 are a distant memory. Sure, he might pull off a good game or two down the line, but he's clearly jumped the shark (for the confused:http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jumping_the_shark). That being said, Skam should have known better than to start him against Pittsburgh. Seriously. 32 all purpose yards. Pretty shitty. Seattle doesn't deserve to play in the same league as the Steelers. That 21-0 domination of the Seahawks made my weekend. True, that means nothing in the IFFL. But it makes me feel better, so there you go. Look at the bright side, Skam- Alexander still outperformed LJ, and you still have Drew Brees. Oh, wait. Strike that. He's put up just 1 TD and 9 int's, and an impressive 57.4 rating for a grand total of 34.95 points for the year. Three for the icon. (Sense a trend, anyone?)

Danza's Dreck 86.7
G-String 62.3

Let's look at it this way. If you get a grand total of 5.5 points from your QB and all of your receivers combined and win, you need your picture in Wikipedia next to the entry "dodging a bullet". Holy shit. I call it the luck of the hippie. Ortiz, 10.1 points from your QB, WR's (much ballyhooed), and your RB's. Yes, Kitna pulled a Grossman. But DAMN!!! You need YOUR face in Wikipedia under the entry "shitting the bed". This is without a doubt the most spectacular failure in league history. The turkey was on the table and you walked away. I'll give you that Ocho Cinco and Westbrook were on a bye, but C'mon, now. You had the horses to win here. Four for the icon.

Shortbus 122.9
Nigerian Nightengales 71.7

1.5 points from LJ. At 55ypg and NO TD's, LJ is the steaming turd of the year so far. Before you start whining Damian, I'll head you off here. Jackson averages over 22 ypg more than LJ. Moving on, Rivers better than doubled his projected points, Gates chipped in 113 and a TD (while making a clear statement as to who is the better TE here) , and Plax put up 124 yards and a TD for Shortbus. Five for the icon.

Juice's Browns 89.5
Columbus Bendovers 69.35

The lone Core division win. Sad, sad, sad. Not that projected points mean anything, but when your QB, WR's and RB's come up 46.59 points below the projections, you have issues. Juice keeps quietly winning. Everyone overlooked him, but he's 4-1. Yeah, he beat Andy and Me. But wins are wins.

The Curtain making the playoffs

I said it last week. Here's the video I wanted:

Excuses

Last Sunday, Muhaw asked me quite pointedly if I felt that the managerial and parental responsibilities are to blame for my ineptitude this year. I said no. I make no excuses. I suck.
I read one of the online fantasy experts saying that fantasy football is 60% health, 30% homework, and 10% luck. I say 50% health, 30% homework, and 20% luck. No doubt my team has been riddled with injuries. My cornerstone, Steven Jackson played behind a O-line with three starters out with injuries before going down himself. Hines Ward has been out with a hammy. Eddie Kennison lasted one play this year. Greg Jennings sat out the first few weeks. Mark Clayton was out the first few weeks. So yes injuries have been a huge factor. But, I'm not the only one dealing with injuries in this league.
However, MJD has been a no show up until this week. Jackson gave me nothing in weeks one and two. Ladell Betts is MIA. Your running backs are supposed to anchor your team, and mine stink worse than Notre Dame. That's on me. And I probably tempted fate with my big mouth after the draft... again. I guess I'll never learn. On the other hand, in this league, humility is boring.
My QB's are fine. Defense is fine. Kicker and TE too. But until my receivers start playing with some consistency and Jackson comes back, it looks to be curtains for the Curtain. Now it's just a battle of pride between me and Andy to avoid the Gibby Trophy. In 20/20 hindsight: if I hadn't reached for McNabb, I could have gotten a decent backup RB, and had a fighting chance these last few weeks. So in cunclusion, my team stinks. I blame no one but myself.

The News Week 4

Player Haters 123.60

The Steel Curtain 56.30

Ah, shit. I knew I was fucked going into this game. Two RB’s on a bye. Star RB out. WR’s banged up. Then Chicago’s D puts up 50.4 points. I don’t care who you are- when you face a D putting up that many points, you have problems. I’d talk about the rest of Drew’s team, but no one really stood out. They didn’t have to. My team’s mattress defecation list was extensive- Galloway 0.7, Shockey 1.7, McNabb 5.3, Reed 2.0… Pretty much everything went wrong. The only things that went right was picking Muhammed and Graham off waivers (10.9 & 11.6 points respectfully). Yep. I’m fucked. And making things even better is next I get Chuck and his cheaters- who will feast on CLE to boot this week. That will end well, no doubt. I can’t articulate this fiasco any better than Mora: “Playoffs?! Don’t talk about playoffs! Are you kidding me? Playoffs?! I just hope we can win a game!!!” Well, pile on guys. I know you will. I have two goals now: avoid the Gibby Trophy (very doable as Andy stinks too), and take as many of you down with me. FUCK!

Juice’s Browns 112.85

O’Doyle Fails 99.05

Hub: You like-a da juice, yeah?
Customer: Yeah.. I do.
Hub: The juice is good, ah?
Customer: Yeah! It's, uh.. it's, uh…

Victorious for the third week in a row. Another solid performance. Addai’s 23.60 points, Housh’s 16.90, Kaeding’s 12 all made up for Eli’s flaccid performance. Steve Smith lost Delhomme, so you can’t blame him for that. Watch Smith the rest of the year, it could get interesting.

For Ryan, the good Manning did his thing, and turd Edwards did too. Cedrick Benson would not have made up the difference, but starting him instead of Maroney would have got you more than the goose egg. But hey, Patriot injury reports, Monday night game, I won’t pile on here.

Charlie’s Wrath 123.85

G-String 85.05

With this week’s 80.75 points, that brings Chucks season total from cheating Pats to 393.6. To put this another way, 38% of his starters accounted for 71% of his scoring. Boy, I can’t wait for when the Pats shit the bed. They do have some better D’s to face later in the season. Will my harping on the Pats go on all season? Yes. Just thought I’d clear that up. 20.2 from waiver scrap and fellow cheater Sammy Morris really helped.

Ortiz has lost three in a row now. You smack talk sums it up perfectly: “?”. You have no clue. If my team has been effectively flushed, G-Unit is swirling. Ocho Cinco picked a great week to disappear. Same goes for TO. His workhorses gave him all of 8.6 combined. Westbrook sitting out hurt. Not that it would have mattered, but Buckhalter had 14.8 on the bench. Next time, do your homework, Luis. I know you weren’t waiting for me to do it for you. You’ve made that much clear.

Shortbus 117.15

Ground Chuck Zeros 89.60

Patrick Crayton gets the game ball here, no doubt. 184 yards, 2 TD’s and 36.40 points. Holy Shit. I won’t go so far as to call starting anyone against St.Louis’s D brilliant, but the odds paid off huge. TO’s loss is Crayton’s gain, I suppose. Yeah, Rivers shit the bed, but who cares?

Skam, I revel in your misery. You, like Ortiz have dropped three in a row. With Lynch facing the #7 rush defense, Alxander up against the #8 rush D, and Brees and Griese facing good defenses too- you don’t have an easy week coming up.

Nigerian Nightmares 137.80

Columbus Bowdowners 128.85

The old man did it again. All of our collective hats are off in honor of his record. The Steel Curtain is proud that our WR Greg Jennings (on shoulders) caught the pass. It was a great honor in a very bleak week here in Pittsburgh. The old man put up 33.3 for the Le Coach. Kudos. No bullshit, we salute you, Brett.

And lost in the Favre exposure was KC WR Dwayne Bowe, who posted 28.40 points off of a 164 yard performance capped with a TD. Coming in a rare KC win made it sweet. Getting it against the Chargers iced the cake. LJ put up 15.8, and KC’s D 21. This was a great week to be Damian.

Andy got 40.6 out of Detroit’s D, LT got 24.4. Not good enough. This week was, in my opinion, the highest point in Nightmare history.

Bloomfield Bengal 134.65

Danza’s Dreck 124.95

I said it before, and I’ll say it again. What the FUCK is it with Muhaw and his quarterbacks??? Romo got 47.35 this week. Jeez. That makes 183.75 points in 4 weeks for an average of 45.93 ppg. Or, 36.4% of his total scoring.

Ronnie Brown continues to impress, posting 29.70 points, to go along with 27.70 out of Supercool Santionio. Not enough. If Fast Willie or Marvin Harrison had put up an average performance, things might have been different. That’s Fantasy football for you. Any given Sunday. FWIW, I see Eric as the “best” 1-3 team. He has the talent to turn it around if they can start firing on all cylinders.

The News Week 3

Juice’s Brown Stains 110.50

The Steel Curtain 102.00

I feel like Captain Miller here. Wounded and incapacitated; but fighting ‘til the bitter end, even if I have to fight tanks with a pistol (waiver trash). My sniper (Jackson) was just blown out of the tower. I’ve had to use my sticky bombs (kicker and defense) just to stay in the fight. I’m undermanned due to casualties (receiving corps). And Cpl. Upham didn’t show up with the ammo (Jones-Drew). But some P-51’s are coming (McNabb and Roethlisberger). Let’s hope they can turn the tide. I know, I know. Donovan was on the bench. If any of you say that you saw that performance coming, you’re full of shit.

Anyway, Juice got 21.4 points out of Housh and 20 out of Adrian Peterson (the good one). That was enough.

Shortbus 107.80

O’Doyle Failed 93.25

37.2 out of Rivers. Damn. He did good, but his receivers were no shows except Plax. And now he’s injured. O’Doyle needs Peyton to start throwing TD’s again. He’s beginning to look like a mere mortal there last two weeks. Maroney is getting the yards, but at the goal line he’s not getting the ball. Not good.

Bloomfield Bengle 102.60

Ground Chuck Zeros 89.25

Kind of sucks to have your QB pull a Grossman, doesn’t it Skam? I love it. Call it karma. DeShawn Foster had… oh fuck that. Brees pulled a Grossman!!! HA-HA!

Rudi Johnson is out with a hammy. Join the club. The good news is that the Bungle D sucks so bad Carson will be slinging the ball all season long. As for Mark, he might be the most criticized/resented player in the league in the wake of the league wide hissy fit over the Johnson/Fitzgerald deal that wasn’t. Or maybe it’s me. Meh. Life goes on.

Danza’s Dreck 135.35

Columbus Cowtowners 118.70

Ronnie Brown- 112 yards and two touchdowns on 24 carries, six catches for 99 yards and a TD = 42.10 points. I may have been seeing things, but I think I saw a cape on his back this week. Groovy eh, Eric? 42 points makes up for his WR disappearing act of 10.2 total receiving points.

As for Andy, LT continues to disappoint with just 43 ypg and 1 TD. On the bright side at least he’s not injured. That’s more than I can say for a lot of guys. Better hope Roy Williams can keep it up.

Nigerian Nightmares 128.45

G-String 114.80

The old man. 42.55 points. Enough said. LJ could be out with a hammy. I told you so. I told you so. I told you so. On the other hand, if he does sit out, like a tree falling in the woods- will anyone notice? 46 ypg and no TD’s.

As for resident cry baby Luis, we’ll see if he can pull off the Russian roulette Titan backfield this week.

Charlie’s Wrath 132.85

Player Haters 109.40

Let’s see now. Now we’re up to 312.85 points in three weeks from Patriots. That’s more than three TEAMS (me included, sad to say) have put up so far. God bless the VHS. Boy, if only Filosa was the least bit loyal to his Pats, it would be he and not Chuck that’s the league juggernaut.

Ironically, if Bulger had put up decent numbers Drew could have pulled it off. But Like Brees, Bulger pulled a Grossman too. -.20 points. Ouch. Fortunately for Drew he gets to recoup against by injury decimated crew this week.